


And tonight you're a stranger, some silhouette.

by omgbellamy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Canon Compliant, Confessions, Confrontations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e06 Exit Wounds, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Isolation, Jealousy, Minor Becho, Post 5x06, Romance, Talking, Unresolved Tension, Wonkru, becho mentioned tbh, bellamy is naive as fuck, clarke griffin deserves more, grounders, madi doesn't deserve this, may do a part 2, maybe slightly ooc but i write what i want, octavia is a crazy bitch but we been knew, soft, spacekru, the bellarke angst is up there and i'm here for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 19:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14921408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omgbellamy/pseuds/omgbellamy
Summary: 5x06 inspired. Bellarke have their somewhat angsty confrontation/conversation because bellarke angst and emotional conversations are what we deserve.





	And tonight you're a stranger, some silhouette.

**Author's Note:**

> here is another s5 inspired fic because I'm dying so far. Also I hate the writers for how they're making Bellamy fawn all over echo. Gross. Sorry, I'm a bellarke stan through and through, so we deserve this. Hope you guys enjoy this 5x06-angst-filled-mess-of-a-fic.
> 
> Title is from Silhouette by Aquilo, 'cause it's the bellarke national anthem rn.

She’d seen them as she was coming back to the tent. Niylah had moved away and Gaia had left her alone. Clarke didn’t want to leave Madi, but she had to scout the area and make sure they weren’t there. As it so happened, her tent was opposite theirs and she saw them as she came back. Her arms were locked around him, cupping his neck and his buried in her hair, very much in the same way his hands once were in her own blonde curls. Their foreheads were pressed together in what looked like a goodbye.

Deciding she was intruding, Clarke looked away, pained. She’d left Madi in the tent to pack her things because they were leaving tonight. One way or another, Clarke was getting on that ship and into Shadow Valley. She didn’t care if Octavia killed her, as long as Madi was safe.

“Madi, come on, quickly. We have to leave soon,” Clarke said.

 

Madi looked up at Clarke, clearly unconvinced about leaving. “Do we really have to leave?”

“Yes, Madi. You’re not safe here.”

“Octavia will protect us,” Madi said confidently, and Clarke almost laughed at her naivety. Six years had changed everything for her and about her friends, Octavia perhaps the most. She was no longer a seventeen-year-old warrior but rather a red queen now who was out for blood. Nobody was safe from her bloodshed, including her own brother.

Clarke smiled tightly and shook her head. “Octavia’s not the same girl from the stories. A lot has changed in six years, and we don’t know if…” If she’ll kill you, the dark voice in her head finished.

“You think she’ll hurt me?” Madi asked, surprised. Madi adored Octavia, Clarke could see. She was the heroin who had saved over a thousand people from the death of Praimfaya. Little did Madi know a quarter of those were killed in brutal bloodshed.

“I don’t know,” Clarke answered honestly. She put her hand on Madi’s cheek to calm the worried girl. “But I do know I can’t risk anything bad happening to you, ok? We have to get out of here on the ship. Tonight.”

“But, Clarke,” Madi protested, “Diyoza will kill you!”

“Don’t worry about me, young natblida.”

Madi shook her head. “Clarke-”

“No more. Finish packing.”

Clarke sat on a stool in the tent, resisting a sigh. She didn’t want it to come to this. She wished it hadn’t. The prospect of being at war again was so tiring to Clarke that she could not take it anymore. She’d fought for so long, so hard to make sure her people were safe, and each time it seemed to blow back up at her. She’d survived Praimfaya only to be put yet again in the middle of a war between Eligus and Wonkru, a war now she had no interest in fighting.

She realised that though they may have wanted the same thing that she and her friends weren’t on the same page at all. Octavia wanted death and the valley to claim only as her own and spacekru wanted peace but wanted to wait it out. But Clarke didn’t have time.

It was at that moment that the tent flap opened, and Clarke instinctively reached for her rifle. Bellamy blinked, surprised, keeping his hands back.

“Clarke,” he said.

Clarke lowered her gun slowly, barely even looking at him. An uncomfortable feeling churned in her stomach and she found it hard to be around him, remembering their earlier exchange when he’d caught her eye after his embrace with Echo.

“Bellamy. You scared me.”

“Everything ok?” Bellamy asked and Clarke tensed. She wasn’t planning on telling him.

“We’re leaving,” Madi blurted, looking up at Bellamy.

Bellamy blinked twice at the girl, then looked back to Clarke. Hold up. Leaving?

And then he realised. They were going to the ship. With Echo. To Diyoza. 

“Clarke,” Bellamy murmured, “You’re leaving?”

Clarke cast a glare at Madi, cursing her girl for spilling the secret. Instead of answering, Clarke said: “Madi stay here, ok?” 

The girl nodded, returning to her packing.

Clarke led Bellamy a fair distance away from their tent to the nearby empty campfire. It was dark now, everybody since having gone to bed and the fire burnt out. She stayed silent. She didn’t know how to tell him. Fuck, she hadn’t even planned to tell him or anyone. She wanted a swift and quiet exit. That way she could avoid anybody else finding out beforehand and reporting her to Octavia. It hurt her to keep things from him, but she was doing what she had to for Madi’s safety. She hoped he’d understand that, having his own family to protect now.

“Clarke, is it true? Are you leaving?”

Again, she stayed silent. Never before had she felt so distant from him. It was an unwelcome feeling, but a feeling she knew came inevitable with time. Things were never going to be the same. Six years had moulded Bellamy into a strong and strategic leader. He’d learnt what peace was and he’d had a life of his own up there, new friends. And a new girlfriend. He was happy. And she wanted that for him. She was proud of him. He hadn’t needed her to become that person – he always was that person, deep down. He’d just never had a chance to be that. She didn’t fit into the picture anymore. Now they felt more like distant acquaintances who were once close but drifted apart.

“Bellamy-”

“Just answer me,” Bellamy pleaded. And it hurt her. It hurt to see him upset, but then she remembered he probably felt that way about everyone. After all, he’d just let his girlfriend go on what Clarke presumed was a mission at Octavia’s request. As a spy, like in her Azgeda days. He probably just didn’t want to lose anybody else.

“Yes,” she sighed, not meeting his eyes. She couldn’t. She couldn’t stare into the soul of those dark brown irises and not squirm. She couldn’t pretend she wasn’t hurt or upset, even though she had no right to be since she’d told him to leave her. Looking at him made her ache more, and the only way she could deal with it was to simply dull the ache.

“So you were going to leave?” he asked, folding his arms. “Leave without even telling any of us? Telling me?” He sounded so hurt and it made her want to cry. She understood why, but there was no time for it. She had to get Madi away from the hellhole before anyone could get to her. 

“I have to protect Madi,” Clarke said monotonously. “Surely you understand that.”

Bellamy couldn’t believe his ears. Was he talking to the same person? It felt like a painful callback to after Mount Weather when Clarke had left, only this time she hadn’t planned to say goodbye or tell him anything. She was pushing him away and he knew it, but what he couldn’t understand was why. They’d just got each other back, and she was acting like she never even knew him. Like they were strangers. And fuck, maybe they were. He could see Clarke Griffin had changed a lot over the years. Her body was more athletic, her hair shorter tinged with pink, but she was more caring yet somehow more ruthless. Not the Clarke he once knew. But then again, he wasn’t the same guy he was six years ago either.

“Of course I do, Clarke. But we have a plan. You don’t understand. Once Monty gets into their system and shuts down the Eye and Echo acts as our inside person, we—”

Clarke shook her head, exasperated. He wasn’t getting it. He couldn’t see that they weren’t on the same wavelength anymore. They had different priorities now, all pertaining to different people. His loyalty and his friendship lay within the spacekru. Hers was simply to Madi. She had no time to wait around for a what if. She had faith in Monty and she knew he was a tech genius, but at this rate Octavia would kill Madi before dawn if word got back to her about the girl being a nightblood. And from what she’d heard they’d made no progress with the Eye.

“No, you don’t understand,” Clarke said harshly and Bellamy blanched, clearly not expecting her to challenge him. “Diyoza is the least of my concerns. Your sister is dangerous and if she finds out Madi’s a nightblood…I don’t know what she’ll do. We have to leave before she finds out and I know she will – Nilyah knows, and I don’t doubt now being loyal to Wonkru means she’ll tell her.”

Bellamy shook his head. “Octavia is a lot of things now, Clarke, but she’s not a child murderer. She won’t hurt Madi. Besides, Diyoza will not show you mercy either. She already knows you’ll have people fighting against her. She’s a war criminal, not a saviour.”

Clarke folded her arms. “What choice do I have? We don’t know Octavia now, Bellamy. I know you want to believe she won’t hurt Madi, but think about what we saw in the bunker. It was a fucking bloodbath. That was her doing. I can’t stay here any longer, I have to do what’s best for Madi, and what’s best for Madi is getting on that ship and back home. Please understand that.”

“Home?” 

“Yeah, Bellamy. Home. Shadow Valley is my home. And Madi's home." He was her home, once. She'd considered him her warm place, her place to come when she wanted to feel content and save. But he belonged to another now, and his home lay within his people. And not her anymore.

“And here isn’t?” He asked.

Clarke looked at him then, and it punched her gut. He looked so confused and so lost and she wanted to scream. She feels bad, but the frustration building up inside her is much more powerful. He doesn’t get it. He won’t get it. 

“I don’t belong here anymore,” Clarke murmured, but Bellamy caught it.

“Clarke,” he said in that soft tone of his, and it only makes her angrier.

“Stop!” she yelled and he flinched. “Just stop. Please.”

“Stop what?”

“Acting like things are the same with them – with us. Stop.”

“I’m not-”

“You are,” Clarke sighs, voice sounding defeated now more than anything. “I wasn’t even involved in the plan and you just expect me to agree with it, to prioritise others over Madi when you know she’s in danger here and you know what she is to me. You need to be here with them, to protect them should Octavia choose to do anything. And you need to be here for…” She let the sentence linger, but the unsaid word gave weight to what she intended to say. Echo.

“You don’t even talk to me, Clarke,” Bellamy snapped. “You wouldn’t let me explain the plan even if I had wanted to. I tried to talk to you today about Octavia but you just left.”

Clarke scoffed. How dare he? How dare he say that. She tried. For 2199 days she fucking tried! She had waited and wished for her friends to come back, but he was the on she wanted the most. Six years was a long time and although she had Madi, she was missing everyone else. Including her other half – the heart to her head.

“I had to find Madi! I’m sorry I didn’t have time to listen to you talk about your problems with your sister for once!”

Bellamy looked back, incredulous. He hadn’t seen Clarke so angry in six years, and it was a lot to see that it was at him. “I didn’t want you to sit and listen to me,” Bellamy said, his anger subsiding, “I just wanted to talk to my best friend.” His voice was impossibly soft, and it tore Clarke in half. He sounded like he did before when he’d comfort her.

A dam broke in Clarke’s mind. She couldn’t hold it in anymore. “I tried,” she said, “I tried, Bellamy. I talked to you every day – every day for six years on that piece-of-shit radio.”

He blinked. Everyday? She’d talked to him? His mind was spinning. They’d tried to work the comms, but Raven said it wasn’t going to happen. He’d wanted it originally to try and reach Octavia. Fuck, but if he’d known…if he’d known he wouldn’t ever have stopped. He wouldn’t have left her side.  
“What?”  
Clarke laughed bitterly. “It was hard in the first two months. I was completely alone. I found Madi two months in, but before it was the loneliest point of my life. You asked me how I survived and it was because I had you, too. I would update you about everything: new foods, the grass growing and my day to day life and the impacts of Praimfaya. It was stupid really. I did it as a way to keep myself sane, but then it became a part of my daily routine. It…it helped me through the rough times. I tried desperately to dig open the bunker but it never worked. I went days without food without water. And I was so lonely, Bellamy, so lonely for those two months. I had nothing but my thoughts, and talking to you made me feel like you were with me, even if we physically weren’t on the same planet. It felt like you were there. But then I’d hear no response, and I’d reached a breaking point. I’d lost all of you guys and I…I was going to end it all.” Clarke paused, taking a deep breath, and Bellamy inhaled sharply at the implication of her words.

Clarke Griffin, the strongest woman he knew, had gone through all of that, and she’d come out the other side. He couldn’t help his pounding heart and the guilt that settled into his stomach. He’d left her. He’d left her alone to deal with all of that. If only he’d been with her…

“But then I found Eden, my first sign of hope. And I began to live. I found Madi there, and slowly but surely we came together and she became my whole world. She’s everything to me - I guess you understand that now - and I told her stories about all of you. Monty the tech genius, Raven the brilliant engineer and mechanic, Octavia the warrior Princess, Miller the strong fighter, Emori the brave outcast Grounder, Murphy the cockcroach, Echo the soldier and you…the hero.”

Bellamy didn’t interrupt, but the word shone over him. Hero. She thought he was a hero. 

“I’m not a hero,” he said automatically, sadly. “I left you to die, Clarke. I thought you were fucking dead, when you were down here for six years basically alone. Fuck.” He rubbed a hand over his face, pacing. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe while they lived up there in the safety of space with nothing but peace and time to kill, Clarke was down here fighting for survival the whole time.

Clarke surprised herself. She hated seeing Bellamy like this. She knew he was having an internal conflict. She hadn’t seen him like that in six years and she didn’t want him to rerelease his demons. He deserved better than that.

Tears fell from her eyes, but she wiped them away furiously. “Stop,” she said softly, laying a hand on his arm before pulling away like she had been burned. Stop blaming yourself. I told you to leave. You did the right thing. You saved all of them by doing that. I’m proud of you. You used your head, and you created a life for all of you.”

A life without me, her subconscious reminded her. She clenched her fists, willing herself not to let those dark thoughts consume her.

“It wasn’t the same. Not without you. We all felt it. You saved us, and I was the one to let you die.”

“It’s ok,” she insisted, even if a part of her was broken up about it. “I wanted you to be happy – I still do. I’m glad you moved on.” Truly, she was. If anybody she knew deserved a break and deserved some happiness, it was Bellamy fucking Blake. They'd both fought tirelessly for months just to survive and he was the only one who understood her burdens of leadership and murder because he'd been there through it all.

“But, Clarke,” Bellamy said. He reached his arms out, heartbroken by what he was hearing and hoped she’d allow herself a moment of comfort. I didn’t move on, he wanted to say. I held onto you – onto us. For six years.

Clarke stepped even further from him and shook her head. “No, Bellamy. You can’t do that anymore.”

Bellamy looked at her confused and a little irritated. Why was she pulling away still? “You can’t, Bellamy.”

“What?” he said, sarcastically. “I can’t hug you?”

She sighed. He didn’t really get it. He couldn’t be like that with her anymore. It was wrong, because knowing it meant something else to her was a betrayal in itself to him and to Echo. She didn’t like the girl, but Echo deserved better than that. And she could see it. She could see he really loved her and vice versa.

“Bellamy,” Clarke pleaded.

Bellamy shook his head. “No, Clarke. I don’t understand. We just had this long talk about being separated from each other, got it all out in the open. So why? Why don’t you want to be close to me now? Do you hate me that much?”

Clarke’s tears continued to fall. It made her whole body tremble knowing that’s what he thought. That he was the reason she didn’t want to be close to him. She wanted it all with him. She had admitted that to herself now. She wanted to be the one to comfort him, to wrap him in her arms to sleep next to him and to be the one to ease his pain and to take it away like she had been six years ago. She wanted to be his person. But she wasn’t now. And that was fine. They’d both had other people. He had Gina first, who he’d told her about one night on a guard shift. He’d described her as an angel, the real life angel who brought him back when she’d left him tattered. And she’d had Finn, even if it was fleeting, it was a storybook moment of a freshly eighteen-year-old falling for the dashing floppy haired boy. Then she'd had Lexa the beautiful strong warrior and leader of twelve clans. Lexa had been what Clarke called her first love and the first time she'd felt what it was like to fall so hard. She'd loved her, but she'd also loved - and still loved - Bellamy at the same time. 

“No,” Clarke whisper-shouted, wiping her eyes. She saw tears falling from his own dark brown eyes, looking as broken as she felt. “That’s not it at all. It’s just…we can’t…be like that when…” When you have Echo.

It clicked for Bellamy then. He realised what she had meant. She didn’t want to even get close to him or be close because of Echo. It upset Bellamy. He wanted Clarke close, hell, he’d have her in his sight at all times if he had his way. She was so close now yet so far, and he couldn’t risk losing her again.

“Clarke,” Bellamy said softly, still teary-eyed. “Just because I’m with Echo now, it doesn’t mean anything is different.”

Clarke shook her head. “You’re wrong. Everything is different now – not just with Echo. I’m happy you’re both happy, Bellamy. Let’s leave it at that. If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to Madi.”

“Clarke—”

“Goodbye, Bellamy.” She choked back on her sobs as she walked back inside the tent where she'd left him. She wished she could tell him and wished he fucking knew how much she wanted him, craved him and how much she...  
How much she loved him. Maybe one day after the war. Maybe. If she came back.


End file.
